Instant Analysis by Dr. David J. Lieberman Ph.D

Author:Dr. David J. Lieberman, Ph.D.
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: St. Martin's Press

47

WHY DO I NEED TO BE REASSURED THAT I’M LOVED AND CARED ABOUT?

I keep saying “I love you” almost to the point of nausea, and I get upset if I don’t hear it back every time. I’m constantly asking others, “What’s wrong?” or “Are you mad at me?” At times I feel abandoned by the whole world and rejected by all the people I love and care for.

YOUR NEED FOR CONSTANT REASSURANCE over the status of your relationship is at the very least a matter of insecurity. Specifically, this feeling is generated because you feel undeserving of your partner. This perceived imbalance causes you constantly to assess your status in the relationship for signs that the other person has caught on.

You need constant reassurance that everything is okay, because you feel that the other person is getting the proverbial short end of the stick. You question and analyze every conversation for a hidden meaning. This lack of perspective does not allow you to place small disagreements in their proper place, within the scope and context of the entire relationship. You blow things out of proportion because you judge the soundness of your relationship on what is happening from minute to minute. All the love that you’ve received to that point is not factored into the equation. All you see is someone who said something hurtful, which translates into the fact that this person no longer cares about you. You’re prone to overreacting to everything said because you place so much emphasis on what is happening now. If a small argument follows, then you reevaluate the entire relationship and conclude, at least temporarily, that it is irrevocably damaged.

You’ll say “I love you” five times in a conversation and get upset if you hear it back only four times. Because you are always questioning the status of your relationship, you need to be constantly reassured. You may even resort to testing your partner with little requests and favors just to “make sure.”

1 Instead of constantly verbalizing your love, be content just to feel it. Whenever you feel the urge to tell someone “I love you,” take a deep breath and just feel your love for that person—don’t say a word. Take a reading on your intentions: Ask yourself, “Was I feeling incredibly loving just now, or needy?” Being able to identify the difference is half the battle toward being more truthful both with yourself and others in relationships.

2 Learn to express love to yourself. Do you hold yourself up to a standard that you can never satisfy? When you love yourself and accept yourself as you are, then you naturally expect others to do the same. But if you’re always picking out faults and shortcomings, you feel others are as well. The important thing to remember is that in the gap between reality and your perception of reality lies a miserable place. To close the gap you need to see yourself for who you are, the good and the bad. In seeing, there is acceptance.

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